Ramblings or Why I Need to Stay Awake

It’s about 8:30 PM and I’m real real tired.  But I must stay awake!  So I’m using YOU, my devoted reader, to help me stay awake.  I know — why should you keep reading? What’s in it for you?  There are a lot of reasons you should persevere.  One, you MAY be entertained.  I admit, it’s a long shot.  I am occasionally entertaining, it’s true, but it’s not my most common state.  I would say I’m entertaining maybe 6% of the time.  Oh my god, are you thinking what I’m thinking?  This is an opportunity for a chart.  Let me see if I can figure out how to make one.  Just a second.

Sigh. Never mind.  I found a couple of chart making websites but they were confusing.  I managed to find one that I could edit but then I couldn’t figure out how to copy it to here.  I need someone in my life who understands tech stuff.  One second, checking my Facebook.  Nothing interesting.  I’m not saying I want a girlfriend who is techy.  That would be a bonus but being tech savvy would be way down on the priority list.  Just off the top of my head it would be at least seventh.  Damn!  Here’s another opportunity to make a chart and it’s going to be wasted!  Maybe I should move techiness up on the list a bit.  Okay, let me back up a little.  I was saying that I’m entertaining 6% of the time.  My computer just made a sound I’ve never heard before, by the way.  I bet someone just hacked into my camera and is watching me.  It’s not that I inherently mind being watched.  Part of me thinks it would be kind of cool.  Maybe I’m a bit of a voyeur at heart.  But I’m not perfect.  I do “things” that I’d rather weren’t recorded and posted on youtube.

So here’s the list of my behavioral state’s by percentage in lieu of a chart:

  • Sleeping — 29%
  • Hanging out with my daughters — 24%
  • Massaging — 18%
  • Watching TV 15%
  • Showering/grocery/shopping/doing laundry/eating — 14%
  • Wishing I was eating pizza — 12%
  • Being a whiny little bitch — 8%
  • Being entertaining — 6%
  • Thinking about boobs — 4%
  • Carrying out capers (the illegal plot sort — not the small green things) — 2%
  • Practicing my accents — 1%
  • Wishing I was dead — .5%
  • Flute solo (if you know what I mean) — .25%
  • Being a useful human being — .25%

I know, I know.  They don’t add up to 100%.  That’s because I sometimes do more than one thing at a time.  Checking Facebook again.  Still nothing interesting.  As I was saying, I sometimes multitask.   I’m almost always doing one of the other things on the list while I’m massaging.  I may be wishing that I was eating pizza, or wishing I was dead, or being a moody little bitch — you get the idea.  The point I was getting at is that I’m only entertaining about 6% of the time so the odds of me being entertaining at the exact moment that I’m blogging aren’t very good.  If we do the math we’ll find that 6% of a day is 1.44 hours or about 1 hour and 26 minutes.  And honestly, now that I see that 6% converted into actual time, I think it’s a little high.  But let’s be generous and stick with the 6% number (when I started this post I had no idea where the % key was and had to look for it every time.  But now I know it’s about the 5 key, so I’m a little better person now then when I started.  Maybe you are too).  Well I spent my half hour break at work trying to make one of my co-workers laugh.  So that’s over 33% of my entertaining time right there.  And one of my clients was very chatty today so I used up a bunch of my entertaining time with her.  By this point in the day, I’ve got maybe 10 minutes left.  But there’s still a chance I could say something amusing so that’s reason number one you should keep reading.  You probably forgot by now that I was naming the reasons you should keep reading.  Scroll back up though and you will indeed see that that was what I was doing.  No, that wasn’t a typo you over critical so and so.  I meant to type “that” twice in a row like that.  It’s not an easy feat to pull off but I’m a professional.  Well, not a professional per say as I’m not getting paid to write this drivel, but I’ve had some training so. . .

The second reason you should keep reading is because you may learn something.  Already I have revealed the secret of where the % key lies on the keyboard. Who knows what other gems may be embedded here.  For instance, did you know that if you google “zerg rush” crazy things will happen on your screen?  It will.  Go try it.  I’ll wait. . .

Cool, right??  Damn straight it’s cool.  I taught you that shit.  Go ahead, text your friends.  You know you want to.  I’ll wait again. . .

Oh!  I was supposed to graph my priorities in a potential mate.  But since I don’t know techy people and can’t figure out how to make a graph, you’ll have to accept another list. Once again, it’s not going to add up to 100% so don’t bother adding.  I’m not sure why I’m even including percentages but now that I know where the key is. . . .(I’m really enjoying the ellipses too. . .)

  • I enjoy spending time with her — 98%
  • I find her attractive (I don’t want to seem shallow by placing this so high but I’m not suggesting that she has to look like a model — just that I find her attractive.  I once went out with someone that I didn’t find attractive when I first saw her but who I found very attractive once I got to know her and she had a British accent and was kinda kinky.  But lets face it — attraction is important.) –95%
  • Good sense of humor — 72%
  • Smart — 58%
  • Left handed — 49%
  • Willing to be silly — 48%
  • Tech Savvy — 42%
  • Can play an instrument or at least wishes she could — 31%
  • Thinks I’m hilarious — 22%
  • Doesn’t have a Russian accent (I’m just not a fan) — 20%
  • Rich — 16%
  • Thinks Winnie the Pooh is the coolest bear ever — 12%
  • Loves The Princess Bride –9%
  • Wants nothing more than to lay in be with me and watch movies — 6%
  • Loves cheetahs kids — 3%
  • Will bring me cheese whenever I ask — 1%

Did you know that the smell of freshly cut grass is actually the scent that plants release when in distress?  There’s another thing you learned!  So if you like the smell of cut grass, well, you’re a little bit evil.  You love the smell of fear and pain in other words.

Finally, reason number three that you should keep reading is because I really need to stay awake until 11:00.  I have to massage 5 people tomorrow, two of them named Rich, and I need to be at my best.  If I’d fallen asleep at 8:00 when I started this post I would have woken up at 10:00 and been up until like 4:00 AM.  Then I would have been tired at work and I don’t massage very well when I’m sleepy.  THEN when I got home tomorrow I would have been tired again and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my Saturday night properly.  And I’ll need all the energy I can get to do nothing on my Saturday night.  Sorry, that was just me being a whiny little bitch.  I actually plan to go to the gym.  Anyway, I needed to stay up until 11:00 and I’ve just about done it!  It’s 10:33 and I can stop writing now!  I thank you for spending this time with me and for reading this schlop. Have a wonderful night!

Oh, here’s a pie chart, since I couldn’t provide any real charts.

pie-chart-06

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