Disclaimer: This post is a combination of facts and opinions and shit that I just make up. It is written merely for entertainment — primarily my entertainment. I hope that you will be entertained as well but honestly it’s not my primary goal. If you can filter through this post and decipher words are facts and which are not, the necessary information to make rejuvelac is contained here. Best of luck.
I know what you’re thinking — what the fuck is rejuvelac? Well, it’s a possibly magical potion invented by Dr Ann Wigmore in the 1960’s. As you know, the 1960’s was the decade of many wonderful inventions like the etch-a-sketch, valium, silicone breast implants and unwinnable wars. But Rejuvelac can do something that none of the rest of those inventions can do — it can make you immortal. You’re probably like, oh really, blog writer guy, then why isn’t Ann Wigmore still alive? I have a few responses to that. First, how do you know she ISN’T still alive? Did you google her or something? What gives you the right to google Dr Ann Wigmore? Second, if you were Dr Ann Wigmore and were immortal, would you let everyone know that? Hell no! What does the government do to people with special powers? They put you in Shrek’s swamp — I assume you’ve seen the movie. Not to mention the great pharmaceutical cover up. If there was an almost free drink that you could make at home that would make you immortal, Pfizer would go out of business. They’re not gonna let that happen. So is the official story true? Did Ann die in a fire? Maybe. Maybe not.
So rejuvelac is a fermented beverage made with only two ingredients — water and a whole grain. It was Dr Ann Wigmore’s opinion that many of our health problems could be solved or improved with a healthy digestive system. She believed that there were a butt load of toxins sitting around down there in our gut and that by reducing those toxins we can significantly improve our health. Not only do those negative toxins have a negative effect on our health, but a messy intestine can have another effect as well. There are positive nutrients passing through our intestines that we want to be absorbed into the body to make us big and strong and able to juggle. But if the intestines are all full of sludge and twinkies, the positive nutrients.may just pass right through and never be absorbed. (I’m really hungry for popcorn right now). That’s where rejuvelac comes in! Rejuvelac, because it is fermented, is chalk full of positive bacteria and enzymes. What does that mean exactly? What is the difference between positive and negative bacteria? I have no idea honestly. I started to google it, but as I mentioned in the disclaimer, this post is being written for my amusement. So here’s how I imagine this rejuvelac thing going down. Imagine your intestine all filled with yuk — there’s some undigested steak in there, some applejacks, oreos, gummy worms, and worst of all — bad bacteria. Imagine these bacteria as the nastiest, ugliest, angriest little creatures you can. They’re friends with the viruses and hate the good nutrients that are trying to keep you well. Now rejuvelac is like microscopic cape wearing pac-men. They’re going to go diving into your intestine like Captain America looking for Germans. They’re going to destroy those bad bacteria like they’re nothing. They’re going to munch up all that sludge so that the good nutrients can pass easily into your blood stream. This is going to do a couple of things for you. As I mentioned earlier, it’s going to make you immortal. But more importantly, according to Dr Ann Wigmore, it may reverse the graying process of your hair. This aspect is important to me because of this:
That’s right — I’m graying. I’m showing my facial hair because my head is shaved and you can’t see the gray, but believe me, it’s there! So I’m relying on Dr Ann Wigmore to reverse this process.
So let’s get down to how to make this stuff! As I said, we need water and a grain. The water is pretty self explanatory. The grain I’m choosing is white wheat berries. Here’s the bag they came in. I bought them from Amazon.
The bag says “Soft White Wheat Berries” but that’s a huge lie. They’re not soft in any way. And they look nothing like berries. They’re hard little wheat seeds. I suppose “soft” and “berry” are some sort of botanical terms, but they’re completely inaccurate. If you loaded these “berries” into a shotgun shell they could kill an elephant. Not only would they penetrate the elephants hyde and dissolve his heart, they would then pass out the other side of the elephant and kill the Kevlar wearing police detective standing on the other side.
What we’re going to do first is wash the HELL out of a big glass jar. And I mean a BIG glass jar — like a gallon. And it needs to be clean, clean, clean. This stuff is going to be sitting in the jar for a few days and if there’s any BAD bacteria in there it’s going to multiply and your rejuvelac will be nasty. This has happened to me before and it smelled like vomit. You don’t want that. It should smell lemony fresh when it’s done. So we take a cup of the wheat berries, rinse them, and put them in the clean, clean jar. Then put enough water in the jar to cover the berries plus a few more inches to allow the berries to expand and still be covered. Like this:
Try not to spill the wheat berries in the process like I did. Perhaps you notice the champagne and Chambord in the background. It’s always good to have the ingredients for a quality Mimosa on hand.
And now we’re going to let the wheat berries sit in the water. And we want to cover the jar to keep the dust and butterflies out but we want it to be able to breathe. You have some options here. You can cover it with cheesecloth or a paper towel and then wrap a rubber band around it to keep it on tight. Or you can use a “strainer lid”. You can buy a strainer lid or you can make one like I did. I went to Pat Catans and bought a piece of plastic with holes in it that is used for cross stitch or something. I then cut it into a circle and put it in the round threaded ring thingy that goes on top of the jar. Check it out. But we need to change the water a couple of times a day for two days. If you have one of these fancy lids on your jar then you can just pour the water right out without taking the lid off. If you don’t you’ll need to pour the berries into a strainer, rinse them, and then get them back in the jar. This process, of course, allows more opportunities for bad bacteria to get into the jar and turn your rejuvelac into vomit juice. No one wants that.
I’ll just sum up the remaining steps for now but I’ll write another post in a couple of days once the berries sprout.
So you’re going to rinse the berries twice a day for two days like I said, re-covering them with water after each time. Eventually they will sprout at which point they’ll kind of look like little sperm if you’ve ever seen pictures. You’ll rinse them one last time and then cover them with purified water. It’s THIS water that you will eventually be drinking. You will then let it ferment for a couple of days or more until the water is cloudy and smells kind of lemony. You should swirl the jar occasionally. Then you’ll pour off the water and drink some of it. You can store the rest in a glass container in the refrigerator, drinking a bit each day until you’re immortal. Of course, you shouldn’t test the immortality. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.
So stay tuned! In a couple of days there will be photos of the sprouted wheat berries! And maybe I’ll even throw in a picture of something more interesting which would be just about anything other than sprouted wheat berries.